Netflix I Want to See: Hairy Puder & The Philosopher’s Bone

5 Minute Or Less Read Time
Netflix I Want to See: Hairy Puder & The Philosopher’s Bone

Netflix movie wizardry does it again, producing a masterpiece of social justice.

Late one night at the Necromancy Occult & Black Incantations Group Of Thaumaturgy Schools, otherwise known as NO BIGOTS, the magic professors save infant Larry Suter by sending him to live with his aunt, K.J. Scowling. Scowling is supposed to keep Larry safe so he may one day fulfill his destiny and stop VoldiTrump, the evil wizard who killed Larry’s parents. Not at all like other Jesus-infused, derivative, savior-archetype stories.

Larry must now endure childhood trauma because, unbeknownst to everyone, Scowling is a transphobic children’s fiction writer, loved and adored by millions of people who wrongly believe her an intelligent freethinker for having written many bad books. Worse yet, his wicked aunt secretly loves VoldiTrump and tries to impress him by causing Larry many hardships. Renaming Larry to Hairy when he displays gender and sexual curiosity, Scowling claims the name change will remind him girls have puders, not boys. She even makes him attend church and Jesus camp for queers while wearing suits like VoldiTrump because real men dress in business suits and spout hatred. Hairy’s life fills with deceit, wickedness, and a lack of compassion, keeping him from learning his true identity, causing bullying, bad grades, and drug use.

Stay tuned!
We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors.

Brought to you by Big Pharma: Bringing you the really important products.

Man Realizes His Boner

While working on your computer one evening, the thought strikes you, “When was the last time I had a really strong erection?” Sure, you have morning wood and the occasional accidental porn boner, but when was the last time you had a real erection that grew organically from simply being turned on by a living breathing person? How would you know the boner was real and not just a semi-erect penis? Is the penis at the maximum hardness and performance? You can’t answer these questions because you have no idea what it means to have a high-performance penis. Big Pharma recognizes this problem and brings you the first:


Erectile Function Meter

The Erectile Function Meter is a comprehensive, accurate assessment tool that determines the level penis performance. Having a high-performance penis isn’t just about size- although this is extremely important. A high-performance penis likens to a formula race, maximizing performance, firmness, and stiffness. The high-performance penis gets stiff on demand, pleases all partners with little effort, and is aesthetically pleasing to everyone. Long after you have expended your energy, the high-performance penis will reharden for more action.

The Erectile Function Meter uses the latest in boner science to provide an accurate assessment of your penis with a robust set of diagnostics designed to provide a complete picture of penis health, including a variety of penis health factors determinants:

Using the Erectile Function Meter

· Penis size (girth to length ratio)
· Bulge ratio
· Stiffness quotient
· Boner readiness
· Pleasuring (oral, anal, and vaginal)
· Boner stamina

Our penis diagnostics can save you costly trips to the doctor by determining the need for Viagra or other penis enhancements.

You might be thinking, “My penis is fine. I get laid all the time and nobody complains.” You would be wrong. Did you know that 70% of girls and guys surveyed believed that having sex with their man was dissatisfying because his penis performance was similar to having sex with a sock containing a fishing weight?* Quit lying to yourself and admit you have no idea whether or not your penis performs optimally. Get the Erectile Function Meter and make sure your penis is healthy and high-performing.

For the Formula Race Car of Penises

Fake Doctor Looking Serious
If I were a real doctor, I wouldn’t just recommend the Erectile Function Meter; I would use it!*

*Survey results based on a sample population of 4 people not so randomly chosen.

Ladies, if you think penis health is important, then you might want to consider the health of your bum. Try our Gluteus Maximizer. Make sure your squat thrusts are maximizing ass size.

Tonight on Netflix
Learn if “Steamy Sandwiches” is the Meal Viewers Hunger For

Sex, Gender, & Race Can’t be Cancelled

Steamy Sandwiches
The Netflix I Want to See

If Gone With the Wind and Deep Throat had an affair, the limited series Steamy Sandwiches would be the bastard child. Somewhere between drama and comedy, Steamy Sandwiches twists and turns on the race-gender-sexuality roller coaster equivalent of Space Mountain. Is it a story marking the importance of change or a sellout trying to capitalize on outrage culture?

When Vinnie LXIX ages out of the porn industry, he finds himself unemployable and hopeless. Spending his last dollars, Vinnie throws himself into his almost forgotten dream of owning a food truck. Convinced of the opportunity for success, retired gay porn star Big Rhonda, partners with Vinnie, and they drive their mobile food business, Steamy Sandwiches, into the City of Angels.

Steamy Sandwiches offers a comedic menu of diverse foods, including Angel-Hair Pies, The LGBT Delight (Lettuce Guacamole Bacon Tomato), The Hungry-Man Wiener, and Brownie Stars. An overnight success, Steamy Sandwiches is a popularity wildfire racing through the streets of Hollywood.

But success breeds enemies, and soon the dominant, rival food truck, Holy Rollers, tries to put them out of business, falsely claiming traditional food rolls are healthier than Steamy Sandwiches. Using lies, exaggerations, and out-of-control self-righteousness, the Holy Rollers attempt to destroy Steamy Sandwiches, zealously believing a divine right to force their lunch brand upon LA’s masses.

Little do the Holy Rollers realize, Steamy Sandwiches is a beacon of hope rallying aging porn stars, the sexually liberated, intellectuals, and freedom fighters everywhere to help Vinnie and Big Rhonda save their dream.

A one-hour episode of this limited series packs more diversity than a week at Burning Man. Set in the eighties, the cinematography has the feel of Porky’s but the seriousness of On Golden Pond. You laugh but at the same time find yourself cheering Big Rhonda and Vinnie as they serve LA’s masses congregating to their food truck for finally having a lunch choice other than a Sermon Sandwich or Born-again Bagel.

Quirky, hilarious, sometimes corny, just the right amount of action, and often heart-wrenching, Steamy Sandwiches packs a hard punch to the funny bone and heart. Perhaps Steamy Sandwiches leverages outrage culture, but Steamy Sandwiches shows there are still many things to outrage over. Bravo!

We now return to Hairy Puder & The Philosopher’s Bone

A decade of suffering passes, and right when Hairy feels he can’t endure another day, a magic rainbow appears and leads him to NO BIGOTS. Hairy learns he is not a freak or chosen child but one of many beloved, accepted children destined to find the Philosopher’s Bone. When VoldiTrump hears of Hairy’s admission to NO BIGOTS, his fury launches a quest to find the mythical device that infuses people with critical thought: the one weapon that can defeat VoldiTrump. Hairy and new friends race to stop VoldiTrump and Scowling before they misuse the Philosopher’s Bone and lead humanity into a new dark age. After a long battle, Hairy captures the Bone and rubs it on VoldiTrump, releasing its power. The Philosopher’s Bone fails since critical thought requires some intelligence but successfully banishes VoldiTrump to Florida, where he spends his days crying about losing. Similarly, Scowling finds her books banished to the dollar bin at Walmart. A breathtaking story ended brilliantly with a young girl, Mary Suter, finding her true home at NO BIGOTS.

Coming soon!

The Chamber of the Privileged

Don’t cancel my membership! I love you, Netflix.

Just Weighing Separator
Modified Photos by Jules Marvin Eguilos & Photo by Oleg Ivanov on Unsplash

Bullies, Bigots, & Other Bastards Bullying: Six Faces Of Evil