It’s easier than you might think
Over the last couple weeks, I’ve lost a couple of friends, one who I’ve loved and felt loved by for a quarter of a century. The other who, pre-pandemic, I worked with closely on her poetry (one of my fav things to do.)
The common denominator in both these losses seems to be either my increasing self-centeredness and selfishness, or their inability to accept my existing for some other reason (ANY other reason) than to be a witness to their wonderfulness and/or a never-ending fountain of support, kindness, and love, (and an ATM machine and an ultra-accepting daddy-o), but NOT a person in my own right who simply stands up for myself.
Most likely, the truth lies in some combination of both things, partly me and partly them. But at 73 and 3/4 years old I don’t have time or desire to fix this shit or to change very much. My journey and struggles in life have led me to this place where my ego integrity demands that I own and accept both the good and shitty things about myself, especially in regards other people’s reactions to me and my conduct.
I’m still learning, and I know that if my intention is NOT to cause pain or sadness (and I hope it’s never that) and yet those are consequences of something I’ve said or done, so be it. This may be wisdom or it may be asshole-ism. You can decide for yourself and so can these two estranged pals.