GOP Misfortune Cookie Politics - You just know it's bad!

7 Minute Or Less Read Time
GOP Misfortune Cookie Politics - You just know it's bad!

Snack on these stories that come with a tragic surprise for those dumb enough to believe Republicans. 

Keep in mind, nothing misinforms quite as completely as an undercooked or over-cooked half-baked idea — the very essence of Republican ideology.

GOP misfortune cookies are those crunchy treats that contain a hidden message of doom and gloom: the standard for GOP politicking. Each misfortune cookie comes with a tragic surprise for those dumb enough to believe Republicans: or smart enough to see through their deception. Serve them during campaign rallies, a debate, or a press conference. They will inspire, motivate, or warn the recipients, but they usually end up appealing to stupidity.

Misfortune cookies also divine fate and tell us how not to build government and how not to be a bad leader: as if we needed any more examples.

Misfortune cookies are the very essence of GOP ideology. But they are also the very opposite of political wisdom.

You were the celebrity but embarrassed everyone with your antics. Now you are infamous and despised.
You were the incumbent but now face criminal charges and conviction. Now you are ousted and banned.
You were the president, but no one remembered your name or your face. Now you are irrelevant and forgotten.
Misfortune Cookies
You will run for president, but no one will vote for you. Not even your mother.
You will be the candidate with only one percent of the vote. And that’s from your cats.
You will be the rebel, but you will alienate everyone with your attitude and insults.

Donald Trump and his valet opened their fortune cookies after a long day in court, where they pleaded not guilty to new charges in the classified documents case. Trump’s cookie:

Trump Fortune

His valet’s cookie:

Trump Fortune Cookie2

They looked at each other nervously and quickly crumpled the papers.

Ron DeSantis was celebrating his birthday with his family and friends at a fancy restaurant, where he announced that he had replaced his campaign manager and rebooted his presidential bid. He was feeling confident and optimistic until he opened his fortune cookie.

DeSantis Fortune Cookie

He felt a chill run down his spine and wondered if it was a sign of bad luck, then shifted his thought to destroying Disney, and he felt better.

Nikki Haley was having lunch with some of her supporters, who praised her for criticizing GOP Sen. Tommy Tuberville’s military blockade. She smiled and thanked them, feeling proud of her stance, until she opened her fortune cookie and read.

Haley Fortune Cookie

She frowned and wondered who it could be. She hoped it wasn’t her mentor, former President Trump.

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris were having a lunch meeting with their advisers, discussing the latest election developments insurrection news. They stopped to open their fortune cookies, and Biden’s cookie read:

Biden Cookie

Harris’ cookie read:

Harris Cookie

They looked at one another and laughed, "Nothing we didn't expect!"

Missouri MAGA-rioting Elementary School Teacher

If you have not rioted for Trump, you are not a good Christian.

I visited Missouri many times as an author and made many friends I still treasure and love. That said, despite the U of Central MO housing many of my papers (The Phil Sadler Collection), I’m glad I’m not a first grader there.

Also, white entitlement is hazardous to one’s employment opportunities and so should be refusing vaccination. It is high time MAGAs feel the consequences of their stupidity.

If you get COVID and die, you have helped the herd immunity.

Sometimes the most obvious truth can be obscured by one’s desires for things to be the way we want, not for the way they actually are. Consequently, consequences: for these recalcitrant (and now unemployed) ass-hats. Still, they care for themselves as much as Trump who considers them "discardable losers."

You are wise to believe COVID is a liberal meant to stop you from making money.

How could anyone who is paying any attention at all, doubt this? There isn’t a shred of evidence or a single empirical example of Trump’s attitude/behavior toward others that contradicts this view. The good news? These same “discardable” folks' disbelief in the Covid disease means that their numbers are ever-diminishing.

Yet, death scares no MAGA, especially Marjorie Taylor Greene who seems to be able to frighten off even her own supporters. COVID has nothing on this Georgia Peach.

Listen to those from Georgia; they hold all wisdom of Jesus.

Can you imagine working for this lunatic person? She attacks teen-aged mass shooting survivors and anyone else who disagrees with her. Congrats Georgia Congressional Dist. 14, since you couldn’t get Matt Goetz, you got the ‘roid-addled-lookin’ next best thing.

By the way, was it Marjorie driving the pro-Trump display vehicle that wiped out a telephone pole in a multi-car pileup

He who drives a pickup truck with MAGA stickers and a flag while screaming the N-word while firing his AR15 into the sky  is a true American.

I see them in smaller versions all over the place; shitty-looking P-U trucks with a giant blue TRUMP flag whipping in the wind, like some kind of old Confederate battle banner. So now this story is about the perfect convergence of idiocy and poor driving skills. LOL or LMAO or simply a big smile as we all pass slowly by rubber-necking in joy.

Okay, so honestly, truthfully, I’m so sick and tired of having to listen to nonsense and stupid people, convinced of their “rightness” blathering on and on with half-facts or flat-out full-blown bullshit that they either believe to be true or don’t care if it’s true or not, despite obvious proof that the shit they are spouting is clearly, demonstrably, NOT true or accurate. Not all misstatements of facts are lies. 

You will know great fortune in business, but if you don't, know it is your fault.

Lies require a conscious and intentional effort to deceive in order to advance some goal or end that the lie is helping to achieve. This is a pretty simple litmus test and anyone over the age of five or six can pass this unless they are developmentally delayed or disabled beyond repair. And this is NOT my opinion, it’s a stone-cold fuckin’ fact.

And by the way, it’s not just Trumpian lies we’re discussing here but it IS an infection in the soul of Trump supporters and the GOP broadly. Liars can prosper only when enough people decide that lies don’t matter, unlike President Biden.

Biden cursed when seeing Trump’s golf simulator left behind in the White House. Biden avoided using Trump’s name and called him “the former guy” instead. Biden is not impressed by Trump’s legacy and wants to focus on the American people.

Would Jesus curse?

To save you time, Biden's two-word description of Trump is, “fucking asshole.” Too many Americans are so lacking in psychological-mindedness that they can’t see that this description is more than simply fair indeed, it’s spot-on.

Frankly, Biden's Trump remark isn't quite descriptive enough. "Stupid, fucking asshole" is far more accurate, easily evidenced by Trump's Dunning-Kruger trait of believing himself wise in all areas things: economics, religion, morality, war, etc... Trump may have proven himself adept in warfare, or at least his ability to rile people and nations.

The business of war is business, the war of business is war, and a successful war is a successful business.

It’s always a tough call when deciding which misfortune headlines best the total and absurd insanity; MAGA followers or Trumpian madness? But since they are mostly all the same fucking idiots, it doesn’t matter too much since it is all a mishmash of dumb.

De-certify the election, huh? No problem big guy. While we’re at it, we’re going to officially reverse the results of every Super Bowl game in which a red-state team was “defeated” by a team from a blue-state. From now on, in Georgia, the only reality you need to accept is the one you wish to be true.

Florida Leads the Way in the Battle Against Masks

Just because a plague rages and millions die doesn't mean vaccinations that stop the spread are good.

Vaccines are clearly evil because they stop commerce. What's a few dead compared to the loss of revenue?

Democrats point out that Antivaxers die of COVID.  Only a fool thinks such facts are meaningful!

We get it, anti-vaxx, at least we sorta do. I had a hangover the other day too and felt really sick for a few hours. The difference is I got my vaccinations many months ago and now I’m NOT in the ICU wondering how many folks I mighta killed?

One thing for certain, you don't have to wonder how many people the Donald killed since he is the new, not-as-efficient Hitler.


(I’ve been saying he is since 2015!) But for MAGAs with abundant denial skills and fearful imaginations, the answer is...usually filled with denial and saying shit like, “He doesn’t use gas chambers.” Hard to argue with such a stunning display of historical knowledge and flawless reasoning:

Hey, the way to stop violence is to beat down all the minorities, storm the capital, and convert everyone to Christianity so they can live in peace. Simple.

fortune cookie

Not being a Maoist myself, nonetheless, when someone is right, they’re right, and Mao said, “Political power comes out of the barrel of a gun.” Most everyone in the USA has, or can get a gun; the radical crazies of the far right, and all the rest of us, including Miss California.

Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California USA who became infamous for her anti-gay marriage stance and her solo sex tape, wrote a book claiming she claims she was a victim of the liberal media, the gay lobby, and the beauty pageant mafia (whatever the fuck that is??), who all conspired to ruin her life and career. 

Know that women are equal to men in all matters except those concerning men.

The poor persecuted Christian was coerced to pose nude, get breast implants, and faced a biased judge, then lost her crown for speaking her mind and standing up for her faith. Though she regrets it now, she made that sex tape out of love at 17. Not porn!

Today, she stands beautiful and proud, spreading God’s love and grace to everyone, even those fags, lezbos, and liberal, communist, atheist haters. 

Not a hater. They're the haters

Just when I am trying to feel something other than smothering rage at these MAGA clowns another one pops up and starts to yammer. Some of these ass-hats make being kind and loving an awful long reach, such as the Georgia cop recommending horse dewormer instead of a vaccine.

He who blames the cop for medical advice is a  fool for not realizing the function of the cop is to  beat minorities.


“To protect and to serve.” You go, buddy. You. Go. Blue lives deserve de-worming, too! ALL lives deserve de-worming!

Perhaps the dead just didn't have enough faith, like the Kentucky pastor who preached that God is bigger than the coronavirus who succumbed to the deadly disease on the eve of Easter. Tim Parsons, the senior pastor of Center Point Church in Lexington, had assured his flock that they had nothing to worry about because God was in control and could use all suffering to draw people to Himself. 

Have faith and all will be well! If you die of COVID, you're a faithless bastard.

Apparently, God decided to draw Parsons to Himself a little sooner than expected, leaving behind a grieving family and a confused congregation. The church, which had been holding in-person services until Parsons was hospitalized, asked for prayers and fasting for their leader’s recovery, but their efforts were in vain. The church also posted a FAQ section on its website, where it advised people not to worry about COVID-19 and to practice what the CDC calls ‘safe distancing’. However, the church did not mention anything about wearing masks, getting vaccinated, or following other public health guidelines. 

Yep, god’s got it all locked down. We’ll be fine. Put yer trust in “da Lerd” and you’ll see...jus’’all ‘ull see.

Unrelated Craig’s list ad: “Seeking new Pastors for a whole shit-load of fundamentalist idiot churches.”

Of course, we all know that the great leader doesn’t care about $$$$ at all; only about principles and only about our safety and happiness . . . Right? Right?

One man's healthcare is another man's sports car.

Hello??? I wonder if he can spell: C-l-o-s-i-n-g — I-n?

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