Subletting the Planet
President Trump watches from the Oval Office as a tremendous spaceship begins descending over the White House. Confused generals and other military officials run to and from the office while outside on the White House lawn a brilliant, white light materializes two strange alien creatures. The little greenish bug eyed aliens look around as military personnel surround them pointing weapons. The leader of the aliens cries, “Whoa! What the fuck. Put those guns away. We’re here to speak to your leader.”
President Trump, surrounded by Secret Service, exits the White House and approaches the aliens. President Trump tips his MAGA hat, smiles, and waves saying, “Welcome to Earth.”
The aliens look at each other inquisitively and the leader asks, “Don’t you know who we are?”
Trump’s face twists in confusion. “No.”
The leader of the aliens looks down, shaking his head in frustration. “How can you not know who we are? My name is Goda and I’m your landlord. This is Jezaz, my assistant and repairman. It’s time to pay your rent.”
“Rent? Rent for what?” asks Trump.
“For the goddamn planet? What did you think, you were going to live here for free?”
Trump gives the alien a cross look and says, “What the hell are you talking about? This is our planet.”
Goda looks at Jezaz and pointing his thumb at Trump. “I knew it was a bad idea to rent to these inferior beings. You people are renting from me. I hold the land lease on this planet, and it is time for you to pay the rent or vacate the planet.”
Trump nods smugly. “I hear what you’re saying, but you need to know that I know a little bit about real estate, and we been living here for some time, not paying rent. We must have squatters’ rights by now. And, how do we know you really own this planet?”
“Goddamn inferiors and your short lifespans.” Goda throws his hands in the air. “Twenty-five thousand years ago, I signed a contract with Zug to lease humans the planet. That lease renews every 25,000 years. It’s now time to pay the rent or vacate. If you refuse to pay, I will start the eviction process, and in 60 days, I’ll bring the Solar Sheriff and have all of you removed from the planet.”
Trump frowns. “Okay, I see what you are saying but this contract was with Zug, and it’s been some time. We don’t have a copy of the lease. I mean what are our rights in this situation?”
Goda yells, “I don’t give a shit about all that. This is a legal lease that was signed for by one of you on behalf of all of you. I can’t help it that you people are careless and forget shit.”
Jezaz opens a clipboard and pulls out a piece of paper and hands it to Goda. Goda says, “Ah, you’re lucky, we have a copy. Here.”
Trump takes the paper and looks at it for a moment then begins tweeting on his smartphone,
Trump looks at the paper and sees a bunch of alien symbols and squiggles. He has no idea what it says, but he pretends to read it carefully. He nods and says, “Okay, I see. This is a very interesting contract. But you know, things have changed since 25,000 years ago. The Earth is not the same as it was back then. We have made a lot of improvements and developments. We have built cities, roads, bridges, monuments, and walls. We have created art, culture, science, and technology. We have explored the oceans, the skies, and even the space. We have made Earth great again.”
Goda rolls his eyes and says, “Yeah, yeah, yeah. You also made a lot of messes and problems. You have polluted the air, the water, and the land. You have caused wars, diseases, and disasters. You have destroyed habitats, species, and resources. You have made Earth worse than ever.”
Trump shakes his head and says, “No, no, no. That’s fake news. Those are alternative facts. The Earth is doing very well under my leadership. I have solved many issues and challenges. I have made peace with North Korea, Iran, and China. I have cured the coronavirus, cancer, and AIDS. I have reversed climate change, poverty, and inequality. I have made Earth the best planet in the solar system.”
Jezaz whispers to Goda, “Is he serious? Is he delusional? Is he lying?”
Goda whispers back, “I don’t know. I don’t care. He’s wasting our time.”
Trump continues, “So you see, we have invested a lot of money and effort into this planet. We have added a lot of value and equity to it. We deserve a better deal than this one. This one is unfair and outdated. This one is a bad deal for us.”
Goda says, “What are you talking about? This is the deal we agreed on 25,000 years ago. This is the deal that Zug signed for you. This is the deal that you have to honor or face the consequences.”
Trump says, “Well, Zug is not here anymore. He’s dead. He’s gone. He’s history. He doesn’t represent us anymore. He doesn’t speak for us. He doesn’t bind us anymore.”
Goda says, “It doesn’t matter if he’s dead or alive. He was your leader at that time. He had the authority to make decisions for you at that time. He had the responsibility to inform you of the terms and conditions at that time.”
Trump says, “Well, he didn’t do that. He didn’t tell us anything about this lease or this rent or this eviction or this sheriff or anything like that. He kept it all secret from us. He betrayed us. He cheated us. He screwed us. He had to be a liberal!”
Goda says, “That’s not my problem. That’s your problem.”
Trump finishes and looks at Goda and says, “Alright, so is there any wiggle room on this deal? Can we get a rent reduction?”
From the crowd on the White House lawn, Bernie Sanders screams, “Trump, you don’t even know what you’re negotiating? What the hell is the matter with you?”
Trump rolls his eyes and tweets,
Goda looks at Trump. “Look, I understand you people are inferior and stupid, but Zug and I agreed to 50,000,000 CarboLeds, and that is what I am legally entitled to receive. Now, if you can’t pay it, you’re going to have to vacate and you’re going to lose your deposit.”
Bernie Sanders screams from the crowd, “Trump, you don’t even know what a CarboLed is? Please stop this madness before you get us all evicted from the planet.”
Trump rolls his eyes and smiles at Goda. “Look, we might just need an extra day or two, maybe a week, and then we will pay you.”
Goda looks at Bernie and then at Trump and asks, “Do you know what a CarboLed is?”
Trump smiles nodding, “Of course I know what a CarboLed is.”
Goda shakes his head, holds up a metal disk, and says in frustration, “A CarboLed is the galactic currency and it is made of lead and carbon from burned organic matter.”
Trump nods his head in agreement and lifts his smartphone tweeting,
Trump snaps his fingers and one of his aids runs next to him. Trump whispers to his aid to get started processing carbon and lead. Trump says to Goda, “Okay, so we’ve been pretty good tenants. We don’t complain or have you out here fixing small things. How much would it cost to buy the whole planet and the moon?”
Goda tells Jezaz to get started inspecting the earth for damages and then says to Trump, “I can’t sell you the moon, I don’t own that. Are you going to pay the rent? If not, I have a waiting list of other species who want to rent this rock.”
“Sure sure…they are getting your payment together now. So, you have people interested in renting the planet. Can we sublet? I mean, we got a lot of room here so we could definitely rent some space.”
Goda points at Trump. “Look, I don’t give a shit what you do as long as you make the rent and don’t destroy the joint. Jezaz just texted me saying you people have been polluting the water and killing the wildlife. Those animals and resources came with the agreement you would not destroy them. Where the fuck are my Dodo birds, Trump?”
Trump says, “Hang on, hang on.” He tweets,
Jezaz returns after inspecting the planet and hands Goda a sheet of paper with a list of damages. Goda screams, “For Pete’s sake, Trump! What the hell are you people doing? My planet is missing a bunch of animals and the Goddam arctic and ozone are damaged. This is coming out of your deposit, and I’m billing you for excessive damages.”
At that moment, a line of tractor trailers filled with CarboLeds began arriving. Trump said, “Here you go, Goda. Your rent has arrived.”
Goda returns, “It’s about damn time. Look Trump, once I am done loading this rent, we’re leaving, but we’ll be back in 25,000 years, and this place better be cleaned up or you’re all out of here.”
Trump says, “Sure, sure…so about this subletting. Can you send me a list of possible tenants?”
Goda answers, “Jesus Christ, Trump. Don’t you people have access to the intergalacticnet?”
Trump shrugs in confusion.
“Fine, fine, I’ll send you a list. Anything if it helps you take care of the planet and gets the rent paid.” Goda walks away.
Trump smiles and heads back to the White House, tweeting,
