When you think about it, Christians and zombies aren't so different after all. In fact, they might have more in common than we think. Worse yet, the Christians are more dangerous than any zombie:
- Single-Minded Pursuit: Whether it's brains or purity, both zombies and Christians have a one-track mind but Christians unlike their brain-eating counterparts, tend to molest kids to obtain their purity.
- Hard to Reason With: Ever tried to have a rational conversation with a zombie? How about a Christian? Trying convincing a Christian that creating laws based on an outdated, ancient book of fiction might not be hot idea. Yeah, good luck with that.
- They Travel in Hordes: Alone, they might not be much of a threat, but get a group of them together, and you've got yourself a situation. Still, zombies are just hungry and Christians love to storm the capital and riot, especially when it concerns their right to own guns.
- Conversion is Key: Zombies want to turn you into one of them with a bite; Christians with a barrage of words. Either way, they're all about spreading the 'love'. For the zombie, life just revolves around brain eating, but once converted, the Christian has to serve the church, converting more people and keep donating money. A fate truly worse than death!
- Apocalyptic Visions: Zombies are often the result of some end-of-the-world scenario, and Christians... well, some of them can't wait for the end times and kill themselves and others to make true their vision. Go ask the followers of Jim Jones or Heaven’s Gate. Oops, you can’t because they’re dead. In this area, becoming a zombie might actually be a more intelligent choice than joining a church.
- Resistance to Change: Zombies are stuck in their undead ways, because they are driven by hunger for brains. Christians often hold onto their beliefs with a death grip because their stupid.
- Fashion SenseZombies seem to have let go of the desire to impress others, but Christians embrace an unhealthy need to hide themselves for the sake of ‘modesty’. Zombies look like crap because they don’t care, but Christians resemble loons escaping the dayroom of the nuthouse on a Sunday morning, all dressed in white shirts and dark pants. Equally horrifying, the women herd together in their Lula Roe Roe vomited muumuus. Don’t worry! You won’t exciting any with sinful thoughts, Christians. Give me the tattered clothes of zombies any time!
- They Inspire Movies: From "Night of the Living Dead" to "The Passion of the Christ," filmmakers love to put these characters on the big screen. At least the zombies are entertaining to watch. It is difficult to imagine anyone not wanting to hurl themselves into a mob of hungry zombies rather than watch one more derivative retelling of the most boring story ever told!
- Historical Presence: Christians have been around since ancient times, and zombies... well, they've been shambling through our nightmares, breeding racism, violence, fear, and hate for centuries. Christians that is.
- They Won't Go Away: No matter where you go, you cannot escape them. They are always there trying to destroy you. At least with zombies, you can lock them out or stab them in the head, but with the Christians, they are often right there haunting your living room or dinner table and no matter how good a shot, you can’t shoot them.
So there you have it, folks. Whether you're dealing with the undead or the overly devoted, it seems some patterns never change. Just remember, zombies don’t exist but Christians do, and it all might not seem so funny when a Christian horde comes to break down your door!
