Welcome to Christianity, where originality is as scarce as a good Christian rock song and conformity is perfection. If you're tired of the burden that comes with independent thought and the exhausting endeavor of carving your own path, fear not! Here's a foolproof guide to embracing the inner Christian zombie within you.
Step 1: Repeat After Me, Christian
Why bother with the hassle of forming your own opinions when there are perfectly good clichés to regurgitate? Remember, an adage a day keeps original thought at bay!
“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” - Genesis 1:11
“This is the day the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it.” - Psalm 118:241
“Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.” - Psalm 119:1051
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” - Philippians 4:131
“We love because he first loved us.” - 1 John 4:191
Just remember, “Jesus saves!”
Step 2: Follow the Herd, Christian
Individuality is overrated. Just do what all the other Christians do. It's like high school all over again, but this time, there's no prom to look forward to—just the sweet, sweet embrace of societal acceptance. Don’t complain, work hard, go to church, pray to Jesus, and when you feel unsatisfied, blame yourself.
Step 3: The Christian Status Quo is Your M.O.
Going against the grain is for those pesky "innovators" and "thinkers." Stick to the Christian status quo. It's comfortable, like calling black people the N-word or referring to Asians as Ch!@#s. It’s what you have always done so quit now! Feel comfy and accepted in your little MAGA world.
Step 4: Mind Your Own Business, Christian
No use thinking about how Christians want to replace democracy with theocracy or how they want to deport American citizens for not being white and Christian. Curiosity killed the cat, and it certainly won't do you any favors. Keep those prying thoughts to yourself. Better yet, just close your eyes altogether. Ignorance is bliss, after all.
Step 5: Questions Are for Sinners
Christians asking questions is a slippery slope that can lead to knowledge, and nobody wants that. It's much easier to nod along and pretend you understand. Besides, if you don't know something by now, was it ever worth knowing?
Step 6: Silence is Golden
Speak up? More like shut up. Questioning all those contradictions in the Bible just makes you sound foolish. Your silence is golden. So, zip it, lock it, and throw away the key.
Step 7: Obedience is a Virtue
Last but not least, remember to obey, Christian. Rules are there for a reason, and that reason is to ensure you never experience the discomfort of growth, change, the sin of learning, or just new things that might lead you astray from Christianity. Obey and pray!
Follow this step-by-step guide to be a Christian zombie and you will be a perfect Christian with passé thinking and trailblazing to heaven.
